When God unites a husband and wife, he forms a unique partnership with one primary aim: to glorify God by helping each other to heaven. Until death separates them, husbands should lovingly lead their wives in following Jesus, and wives should tenderly help their husbands to do the same. They are pilgrim partners traveling to glory.
In sweet seasons, you will take strong strides together. But at times (or even much of the time), you may feel like you’re dragging your spouse along. Sin, sorrow, and suffering all take their toll on a marriage. When a husband neglects his calling to lovingly lead his wife, she can be tempted to despair.
Functionally, spiritual leadership in the home is not a one-size-fits-all calling. God allows freedom and flexibility in families depending on the abilities of those in it. That said, God expects a husband to lead by sacrificial love (Ephesians 5:25), to honor his wife and live mindful of her needs (1 Peter 3:7), to be gentle, not harsh (Colossians 3:19), and to ensure God’s word governs their home (Genesis 2:15–17; Deuteronomy 6:4–7; Ephesians 5:26).
But what happens when a husband won’t lead? How should his wife respond? How can she pursue her husband in a way that encourages him to seek Jesus and, in turn, to lead her?
Seven Helps for Weary Helpers
While no formula can fix a husband’s lack of leadership, wives are not left without hope. As his helper, you are not only free but expected to encourage him in his leading. So, consider seven practical ways you might help your husband to lead. All of these are for you individually, but you need other godly sisters and pastors to help you live them faithfully. Don’t do this alone.
1. Pray.
A wise sister once said of her husband, “It is my job to love him. It is God’s job to change him.” Since only God can change a heart, perseveringly pray for your husband. Believe that “with God all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26).
Do you wish that your husband would have greater fervency for God and his word? Pray. Do you hope for him to care about your spiritual well-being and pursue you affectionately? Pray. Do you desire for him to show more spiritual sensitivity and become more heavenly-minded? Pray. Do you long for him to initiate family devotions or express more joy in Christ? Pray. Do you want him to develop meaningful relationships with other godly men? Pray.
Wives can do more than pray for their husbands, but they certainly should not do less. A praying wife is a husband’s best friend. But he isn’t the only one who needs prayer. You are also in need of God’s sustaining and strengthening grace.
Do you need wisdom to help your husband follow God? Pray. Do you need courage to trust God when things aren’t going well? Pray. Do you need humility to not grow proud and self-righteous? Pray. Do you need grace to cultivate a tender and gentle heart? Pray. Do you need strength to endure when hope is endangered? Pray.
Jesus assures us, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). So, if anything must characterize you, let it be prayerfulness.
2. Maintain realistic expectations.
Unmet expectations often birth frustration. What do you expect his leadership to look like? Some expectations are realistic, like remaining faithful to the marriage covenant (Exodus 20:14; Hebrews 13:4), attending church gatherings (Hebrews 10:24–25), and pointing your children to Jesus (Ephesians 6:4). God commands him to do these things. But some expectations are unrealistic. Not all husbands will initiate morning devotions over coffee or take their families on mission trips. Not all husbands will read books at night by the fire or set up weekly date nights. You may desire your husband to lead in ways that would be nice, perhaps even wise, but are not required by the Lord.
Communication can help to clarify expectations. Have you humbly spent time with your Lord and godly sisters to discern what healthy marital expectations look like? Have you asked your husband to discuss how best to follow Jesus as a couple? Have you asked him if he has considered meeting with another godly man to talk through realistic expectations for his leadership and your helping?
Develop and base your expectations on Scripture, not on what others do or what you wish your husband would do. Wisely discern the right time to share your dreams and desires, but don’t hold him to a standard God does not.
3. Protect your heart.
As you help your husband, guard your heart from temptation. Paul warned the spiritually mature in Galatia, “Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted” (Galatians 6:1). What temptations might accompany your efforts? I’ll suggest eight.
- Pride: Do you look down on your husband because of how well you’re following Jesus compared to him?
- Entitlement: Do you feel like God owes you? Do you think that your faithfulness to him before marriage (or since) has earned you something better than what he has given you in marriage?
- Apathy: Have you grown cold and uncaring toward your husband? Are you going through the motions or striving by faith?
- Manipulation: Do you use sex, cleaning, spending, or anything else in hopes of changing him? Is freely serving Jesus more important to you than changing your husband?
- Bitterness: Does your soul seethe with resentment toward him? Do you dream of not being with him — or worse, that he were dead? Do you withhold good from him to spite him? Do you punish him actively or passively?
- Disrespect: Do you withhold respect because you don’t see him as respectable? Are you sharp with your words in private? Do you tear him down in public?
- Coveting: Do you compare your husband with other men? Do you daydream of what life would be like with another man?
- Adultery: Are you too close to someone else? Are you humble enough to know that even you could be seduced into an affair?
Satan is a patient prowler with devious schemes. Be on guard, and remain honest with both other godly sisters and your husband to help you to resist the attacks.
4. Encourage him.
You can always find ways your husband falls short. And there is a time to help him see his sins and shortcomings (Matthew 18:15; Luke 17:3). But do you consistently highlight areas of encouragement in his life? Have you asked God to help you see areas where he is growing (even slightly) so that you can specifically encourage him? Do you see his gifts and commend him for the ways he uses them? Do you regularly thank your husband for the good he does? Does your encouragement to him outpace your criticism of him? Does he feel, without a doubt, that you are on his side? Are you?
If you can’t think of anything encouraging, ask God to help you see and to remove any log that may be blinding your sight (Matthew 7:1–5). The Spirit will help you. Ask him to show you how he is working in your husband so that you can encourage him.
5. Examine yourself.
While you are never to blame for any of his actions or inactions, it is still helpful to inquire if you’re doing anything unhelpful. Could there be ways you make his leading difficult? Are you high-maintenance, exacting, or demeaning? How can you make his leading more enjoyable? Ask him. Consider discussing these questions with another godly sister to ensure your heart is as pure as it can be before God.
6. Gently prod him.
Submission isn’t a call to passivity or subjugation but a call to flourish under the wing of your husband. This means that you are free and at times even responsible for initiating your family’s pursuit of God. His leadership is helped by your active assistance. I can’t tell you how many times God has used my wife’s thoughtful suggestions and godly example to help me step up.
Maybe you could invite him to use an evening differently: “I think I’m going to do some reading and praying tonight rather than watch our show. Feel free to relax or to join me.” Or, “I thought we could read some Scripture with the kids after dinner tonight. Do you have any suggestions?” Or, “I think God wants us to share our faith with our neighbors. What do you think about having them over for dinner?”
Prayerfully consider creative ways to encourage godly relationships for your husband. Offer for him to take the night and hang out with friends from church. Consider asking him if it’s okay to go on a double date with a couple that could be a good influence on your family. Be willing, as you’re able, to sacrifice in order to make these relationships happen.
There’s often a fine line between trying to help and manipulating. You’ll slip past that line at times, but God’s grace abounds, and he will help you (Hebrews 4:14–16).
7. Value perspective and perseverance.
Change rarely happens quickly. Waiting can be painful, especially if you sense you are withering. But remember that God is not only working in your husband. He is also working in you. As you wait upon the Lord, remember that opportunities abound for you to grow. Some of the godliest women I know are ones who have endured long, challenging seasons with spiritually lethargic husbands. As they have waited, God has helped them to grow in desperation for Jesus, not their husband. Remember: you do not need your husband to be what only Jesus can be.
Whatever your circumstance, keep looking to Jesus and pleading with him to grow your husband’s faith. And as you do, your faith will grow as well. Why? Because you’re focused on the glory of Jesus, not the grief of your circumstances. Here, you will mature in prayer, find joy in God, and deepen your dependence on him.
Look to That Day
Alongside these seven suggestions, I will add a brief word about dangerous marriages. Living with a fellow sinner will be difficult and disappointing. Any sin against us hurts. However, some marriages are truly dangerous because a husband harms his wife verbally, physically, or sexually. While you must be careful not to bear false witness against your husband (Exodus 20:16), God does not call you to suffer genuine harm in silence. He has given pastors and police to protect you (Acts 20:28–30; Romans 13:4). If you are in real danger, please seek help.
But for all other wives, remember that someday soon, you and your husband will stand before Jesus. On that great day, you will give an account not for how he lived but for how you lived. Lean upon God’s grace today, no matter what difficulty may come. Because when you hear, “Well done, good and faithful servant,” all your pains will be worth it. And, Lord willing, your husband will look over at you and say, “Because of your help, I gave a better account. Thank you.” The Lord is able. Keep trusting.
