My first year of playing Pop Warner (or little league) football was an epic failure. We didn’t win a single game. But the next season was shockingly different. We won every game! What made the difference?
Coach Hall. He had coached eleven-to-twelve-year-old boys for years, and no matter how they performed the previous year, he transformed them into winners. I continued to compete in sports long after my time under Coach Hall, but I never forgot his way of making his players shine.
Fast forward to another season in my life when God taught me the inestimable value of good leadership. During my undergraduate days at UCLA and in seminary, I served in a church-based college ministry. Under the leadership of our campus shepherd, a young man with wisdom beyond his years, we planted, watered, evangelized, and discipled, and God gave the increase. The students grew spiritually under his Bible-saturated approach to small-group discipleship. Upon graduation, with their gifts developed and convictions rooted to live for the glory of Christ, they spread all over the United States and the world to shine as disciple-making lights.
Those two seasons of my life ingrained in me a deep conviction that good leadership makes people shine. And that principle applies especially to husbands in marriage.
So, fellow husband, here are four ways to make her shine.
1. Strive for a higher purpose.
What are you striving for as you lead your marriage? To have a house in a nice neighborhood with good conservative schools, two kids (preferably a boy and a girl), and a full-bred dog? If you say you want your family to live for the glory of Christ, yet your life is clearly animated by something else, your wife will know. And if she loves Jesus, she will not delight in wasting your family’s life, just as no one enjoys a season without a single mark in the “W” column.
But striving for your family to be used to the utmost for Christ is the pathway to joy. God remakes believers into his masterpieces “for good works” (Ephesians 2:10). Jesus commissions us to be his witnesses and to make disciples of all nations (Matthew 28:16–20). Paul commands Christians to live with the focus and determination of Greek athletes giving their all to win (1 Corinthians 9:23–27). These goals demand help, and God gave you a wife to help you. So, husband, strive for the kinds of God-honoring goals that require her help.
Good coaches inspire their players to avoid the snare of playing for personal stats. Likewise, good husbands inspire their wives with their radical commitment to live for Christ, reflected in how they use their income, time, and talents. Strive to so die to self, live for Christ, and serve his church that you need your wife’s help to flourish.
And as you do, give your wife the gift of a good church. Christ uses the corporate church, with all of its gifts, to cause its individual parts to grow into his likeness (Ephesians 4:11–16). You need to find, join, and serve, as a couple, in a Bible-teaching and Bible-living church. Over time, God will see to it that your wife shines.
2. Win her heart (again and again).
Tell her you love her. Don’t be like the man who, after being counseled to tell his wife that he loves her, retorts, “I told her that when we got married. If I changed my mind, I would have told her.”
It’s striking how many times God, who cannot lie and does not change his mind, reassures Abraham by repeating his covenant promises to him. What does God say that’s not final? What does he say that he does not do? So then, why does God promise Abraham in Genesis 12 that he will bless him and bless all the families of the earth through him, then ratify that promise with a covenant ceremony in Genesis 15, and then swear to him in Genesis 22?
My fellow husbands, if God cares so much to assure us with words of his unwavering commitment, how much more should every husband regularly affirm his wife with words of his covenant love for her? At times, your wife will feel insecure. She will fear your love for her has changed. She will question whether your commitment to your job, your sports team, or your hobby is greater than your commitment to her. So, use your words wisely. Tell her, and tell her often, how you love her.
Don’t flatter. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Be vulnerable. Express your admiration for her gifts and your commitment to her. Let her into your heart and mind. When marriage gets hard (and it will), let her know, publicly and privately, that you will never break your covenant commitment to her. Tongue in cheek, I repeat a line (which I heard from a preacher friend) to my wife: “Girl, if you ever decide to leave me, I’m going with you.”
3. Serve her with Christlike love.
In the Bible, love is an action word. The descriptive words for love in 1 Corinthians 13 are not adjectives in the original language; they are all verbs. We know God loves the world because he gave his only Son. Your wife will know that you love her more than words when you tirelessly sacrifice for her.
Mr. Smith was an amazing husband. We attended the same church, and he and his wife had three kids in the college ministry I led at UCLA. I invited him and his wife to share their wisdom about marriage with our single collegians. One student asked Mrs. Smith, “What makes Mr. Smith such a godly husband?” God seared her response into my consciousness: “I’ve never once felt from him that it was a burden to serve me.”
When God commands men to love their wives, he doesn’t call us to do so according to worldly standards of feelings-driven romance movies. He raises before every Christian husband the model of Christ’s life-giving sacrifice for his church (Ephesians 5:25). Christian husband, love your wife that way, with the love with which Jesus loves you, through the power of the Spirit whom he gave you.
When your flesh and the tempter whisper in your mind, “But she sins. She doesn’t deserve your love anymore,” whisper back, “I sin, and Christ will never stop giving me the free, unearned gift of his love.” To love your wife as Christ loves the church means you embrace your role as a key means Christ uses to sanctify your wife (Ephesians 5:25–28). As Jesus is a friend of sinners, so he means for you to be your wife’s friend when she sins. Be the friend she can always turn to for help, the one she doesn’t have to fear when her performance fails, the person who will draw closer to her the way Christ does as he sanctifies sinners. Let God wash her with the cleansing ministry of his word through you.
4. Strengthen her in weakness.
In marriage, you will see your wife’s weaknesses up close, which means you occupy the perfect position to humbly empower her. Bless her as Christ blesses you with his strength. He is the Lord of lords and the King of kings, yet he humbly serves you. Like Mr. Smith, use your strength to support your wife’s interests above your own (Philippians 2:4). Here are two practical suggestions.
First, encourage your wife to use her gifts for the family’s mission. If God has gifted your wife to counsel, bless her with your blessing to attend classes and seminars. If God has gifted her to teach, encourage her to hone and practice her abilities. Use your strength to strengthen her gifts.
For the last ten years, a family from our church has been serving in Haiti at a Creole-speaking training institute for pastors. The wife thought her contribution would be homeschooling their kids and learning Creole. But her husband, a native Haitian, had a greater vision for her ministry. Haiti is bereft of equipping ministries for women, so he encouraged her to teach Scripture in Creole to the women in their village. Nervous about teaching in a language she was still learning, she nevertheless followed his lead. At first, he would sit in the back, filling in words she missed. Then, over time, he would slip out of class with the encouragement, “You can do this.” Now, she shines for her Lord, fluently blessing women who would otherwise not learn the word of God.
Second, see your wife as a helper needing your help. Helpers can have a hard time saying, “No, I can’t take that on.” Just being a wife and mother is a 24-7 job in and of itself. As our children were growing up, my wife served as the CFO, chef, purchaser, tutor for all subjects and all grades, nurse practitioner, Uber driver, cleaning company, biblical counselor, and more. Husbands, think carefully about what it takes to add more ministry to that to-do list, especially in seasons when the demands at home are high. Help her say no when she is overcommitted, and freely serve her when she needs you. Letting your wife burn out doesn’t make her shine, but blessing her with your protective leadership will.
Privileged to Serve
Husband, make your wife shine, and let your marriage shine by openly giving Christ all the glory for your ability to bless your wife. She is your co-heir! Therefore, honor her. Praise God for the till-death-parts-you gift that your wife is. Thank him for how, throughout eternity, her brilliance will outshine the stars.
God has entrusted to you his precious daughter to lead into his service, to love the way he loves you, to serve with his strength, and to embrace with awe that he would give you such a gift. What a glorious privilege! So, be the husband whom God uses to make his wife shine.
